Clara Bijl

I learned English by listening to rap songs.

I moved to America when I was 18 years old to go to college in South Carolina, as you do when you come from France. I learned a lot in South Carolina mostly, English (I’m kidding - see opening sentence), seriously, I did learn a lot, like how to date the proper way, (because French women know nothing about that,) and about racism for example, because South Carolina’s racism is still so palpable.

Then I moved to New York City to become a stand-up comedian and I did become a stand up comedian. I told jokes around the city, not caring that my english wasn’t great until someone asked me if I was deaf. That’s when I decided to study with a speech therapist. A few months later, I was able to play up or down certain aspects of my English in order to sound more or less deaf.

While I was in NYC, aside from doing stand up, I had a myriad of jobs; I was a waitress in a French restaurant in Chelsea, I worked for a guy who was renting his apartment to film shoots and music videos - Puff Daddy even once flipped through my daytimer (for young folks, a daytimer is a paper calendar and Puff Daddy is P. Diddy, or Puffy Diddy and Sean Combs), and still not to brag but once Catherine Zeta-Jones didn’t see me at all when we were in the same room together. I wrote jokes for a Swiss TV show, I worked in post-production, in pre-production, I was a coat check girl (for Californians, that’s a girl you give your coat to in restaurants because New Yorkers can’t be bothered with coats when they eat) you know, I did whatever people do to keep up with New York City.

And then I moved to LA, I had odd relationships with odd men, some with tattoos, some with just massive egos, I met my refugee relatives, moved in with a guy and I had his baby and then I kept doing stand up and then we moved out of LA to the Bay Area, and we had another baby and I still kept writing and doing stand up except now I talk about stock options at least once a week.

Today, I’m writing this personal essay while listening to Lauryn Hill’s ‘Unplugged album,’ and I don’t know how personal I should be… could I talk about c-sections or would that be frowned upon? Anyway, both submissions are inspired by some events in my life, not c-sections or babies or anything gross like that.

I’ve been in the entertainment business for over 20 years. Some consider that I haven’t made it because I haven’t been on TV, they tell me: “You’re not even on the radio and you don’t have a huge social media following,” but to them I say: “alright, alright, alright, I know, I get it,” and then they say, “Netflix, you don’t even have a Netflix special!!!” and then I have to explain to them that: “hey, my kids love me,” and then I excuse myself because my babysitter can’t watch my kids past 11pm.

Did I mention I have a comedy album? I have a comedy album, it’s great.

Did I mention, I’m a woman? I’m a woman, it’s great.

Did I mention, I volunteer at my kid’s school? I volunteer at my kid’s school and now I am stunned to see how entitled a lot of people are.

The entertainment business is an endurance race. It’s a long-distance race and I’ve been racing for a long time. The truth is that I do it all for the material, the volunteering, the kids, the marriage, the raising the French cats in America, I do it for the material. I give all my experiences to the page and I like to think that my characters and my stories benefit from my past experiences.